Home Food Tip: Eat This to Get Hard (Down There) Fast

Tip: Eat This to Get Hard (Down There) Fast


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You may not know this about me, but I’ve had lots of erections in my life. It’s true.

Nevertheless, I want more erections, lots more, and not just any kind, but powerful ones. Angry ones.

That’s why I’m always being catfished by articles that list “penis friendly foods,” or the “top 20 foods for strong erections.” To be fair, they usually contain at least SOME interesting advice about foods that contain high(er) amounts of magnesium or zinc that might increase testosterone, thus presumably leading to better wood.

Ultimately, though, they all remind me of a Simpsons episode where an impatient Homer is trying to buy a handgun from “Bloodbath and Beyond.” When told by the store clerk that he has to wait five days, an indignant Homer responds, “But I’m mad NOW!”

That’s how I feel about foods that promise better erections. I want a better erection now, or more accurately, a little later today, maybe after the wife has had a chance to unwind with a little PBS Nightly News or an episode of The Umbrella Academy. I don’t want one a week from Tuesday (although all erections, no matter how mercurial, should be welcomed with enthusiasm).

As such, I’m always on the lookout for foods or food combos that quickly add a little chemical rebar to my erections, like the surprisingly effective (and tasty) combination of dark chocolate and chili peppers.

I didn’t dream it up on my own, though. The Aztec emperor Montezuma was known to drink at least 50 cups of chocolate and chili-laced coffee a day in order to satisfy his many wives.

Frolic Around the Maypole

The reason chili and chocolate work to enhance erections has to with penile hydraulics, in that they allow more blood to flow through the pipes (blood vessels and capillaries) of your penis. As flow and hydraulic pressure increase, your engorged penis ratchets skywards, causing animals to strike curious poses.

The cocoa, or better yet, the cacao in chocolate has long been known to augment nitric oxide (NO) levels, which pop open blood vessels and allow blood into the penis unimpeded, yielding a functional and hopefully superlative erection.

Likewise, the capsaicin in chili acts in the same way, albeit through a different mechanism. The compound is an alkaloid, which are a class of chemicals of plant origin that have pronounced physiological effects on humans. Other members of this interesting chemical class include morphine and strychnine.

These chili alkaloids “irritate” the circulatory system, leading to the expansion of blood vessels throughout the body, including those that serve the penis. Capsaicin may also amplify nerve impulses, and sex is all about nerve impulses.

Together, these two foodstuffs get things flowing. They’re like the friendly firemen who open up a fire hydrant on a hot summer day for neighborhood residents to frolic in, only in this case, any frolicking around your penis should only be undertaken by you and one or more consenting adults.

Be aware, though, that this combo isn’t an aphrodisiac – just as it is with Viagra or any other ED drug, you need to first be sexually stimulated for the hydraulics to churn into action.

Does Anybody Make a Chocolate/Chili Candy Bar?

As mentioned, the Aztecs had a long history with chocolate and chili. They consumed the two substances, along with vanilla and achiote (an orange red spice), in a bitter, spicy drink called xocolãtl, but the combo of chocolate and chili is well known today among connoisseurs of all things sweet and spicy.

At first, your taste buds are confused. Eventually, though, the sweetness, bitterness, and spice find their rhythm and start playing mariachi music in your mouth.

The combo has definitely caught on, though, probably more for its taste than any pro-erection effects (that are still probably unknown to most people). Just about every purveyor of chocolate now carries at least one kind of chili-laced chocolate bar.

I’ve tried a number of them but my favorite is the Taza Brand chocolate disc made with guajillo chili and organic, stone-ground cacao beans, which are particularly rich in the pre-erectile flavonoids I’m looking for.

Each package contains 2.7 ounces of chocolate/chili. Just munch on a disc about a half-hour before you need to call your penis into action. Theoretically, it should work to enhance sex for females, too. Luckily, there are two chocolate/chili discs per package.