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The “Can’t-Believe-It’s-a-Diet” Diet


I recently gained 5 pounds. It wasn’t muscle.

Just like a lot of people, I haven’t left the house much lately and I’ve let things slide a little bit.

I’m still managing to work out in my backyard gym, rain sometimes pelting down on me in my hooded jacket and making me feel like the Bruce Willis reluctant-superhero character in “Unbreakable,” but I’ve been eating a hell of a lot of things that I’d normally shuffleboard away from me with a long stick.

You might guess that my weight gain is from going a little heavy on the comfort food to gloss over the lack of social interaction, but I don’t think so. Maybe partly, but I think it’s more that I have the mindset of an out-of-work exotic dancer: What’s the point of worrying about a little squishiness if there’s no one around to admire my body parts?

But it’s time to change that; to get back on the pole, so-to-speak, and the easiest way to do that is by going on my “Can’t Believe It’s a Diet” diet, which I’ve been using for years whenever the need arose.

I follow it for a week, say goodbye to the offending fat, and then resume eating normally.

Just About All Diets Work for One Reason Only

I’m often freaked out over the complexity of whatever diet de jour has been anointed by celebrities and then disseminated to us commoners, but no matter how stupid, they probably all work to varying degrees.

In fact, here’s TC’s Rule No. 162: Any time you start paying attention to the food you eat, courtesy of whatever diet you’ve been ensorcelled by, you will lose weight, regardless of how simple, complex, or inane the diet.

It all comes down to calories. Sure, insulin sensitivity, alleged ketosis, meal timing, and macronutrient make-up all play a role, but calories rule and all else drool.

By eliminating certain foods or even food groups as dictated by a specific diet, you can’t help but cut down on calories. Likewise, by virtue of being on a diet, you’re forced to pay more attention to what you eat. Recreational eating and unconscious nibbling and snacking go by the wayside as you become calorie conscious.

As far as the particulars of a diet, the only things that should matter to you should be the following:

  • It results in measurable fat loss.
  • It doesn’t cause you to lose any muscle.
  • You can sustain it (meaning that you can keep doing it without cheating or making you want to end it all by sticking a steak knife into your eye).

Chris Shugart’s Velocity Diet® fulfills all three conditions and it’s why it remains so successful, but my “Cant-Believe-It’s-a-Diet” diet is actually even simpler. Mine is just meant be done for just a week instead of a month and to lose 5 pounds of fat instead of 20.

The “Can’t-Believe-It’s-a-Diet” Diet

Here it is, in all its breathtaking simplicity:

  • Breakfast: 2 Scoops of Metabolic Drive® Protein and 2 scoops of Superfood (optional) mixed in 12 to 16 ounces of water.
  • Lunch: 2 Scoops of Metabolic Drive® Protein and 2 scoops of Superfood (optional) mixed in 12 to 16 ounces of water.
  • Dinner: Lasagna with double cheese.

Okay, I’m being slightly facetious about dinner but I included that entrée to make a point: You can eat whatever you want for dinner on this diet. It doesn’t even have to be “sensible.”

It’d be nice if your dinner contained an adequate amount of protein, some vegetables, and didn’t come folded in a pillow of pig lard, but even if it’s not completely sensible, it doesn’t matter; you’ll be forfeiting enough calories in the previous two meals to ensure that you’ll still lose body fat.

Two scoops of Metabolic Drive Protein provide 42 grams of protein and, when mixed with water, only amounts to 220 calories. The Superfood adds zero calories.

Contrast that with your bacon-and-eggs-on-toast breakfast, which could range anywhere from 600 to 900 calories.

Contrast that with the average lunch, which can add between 500 to 900 calories and possibly a lot more.

Granted, ingesting 42 grams of protein for both breakfast and lunch is hugely thermogenic and that leads to some burning of fat, but the diet’s effectiveness is still almost entirely based on maintaining a calorie deficit for 7 days (or however long you want to follow the diet).

Why Metabolic Drive® Protein Powder?

Metabolic Drive® Protein is a combination of whey and micellar casein. You know all about the former, but it’s the inclusion of the latter that makes Metabolic Drive particularly suited for this diet.

Micellar casein is composed of bubble-like molecules (micelles) that form a bolus in the stomach when we consume them. As such, they digest really slowly so you feel full longer.

Micellar casein is also absolutely the best when it comes to sustaining muscle protein synthesis and preventing the kind of muscle breakdown you often see with dieting of any kind.

Why the Superfood (and why is it optional)?

I’m a huge fan of polyphenols and plant chemicals and nutrients in general, so I’m all about eating a large variety of fruits and vegetables with every meal. Unfortunately, eating a large variety of fruits and vegetables adds up to a lot of calories.

This is what makes Biotest’s Superfood supplement such a good addition to this diet. It contains 18 freeze-dried fruits and vegetables, ranging from wild blueberries to pomegranate and spinach to green tea.

As such, its polyphenol content is mind-blowingly high. Each serving has the anti-oxidant potential of between 10 and 12 average servings of fruits and vegetables.

Now I’ve listed the inclusion of Superfood as optional, so yeah, it’s not absolutely essential to the diet, provided you’re getting a nice complement of fruits and vegetables with your carte blanche dinner.

However, if you’re not, or if getting all your fruits and vegetables adds too many calories, mix a scoop or two of Superfood into your Metabolic Drive shake to enhance its nutritive value.

What If I’m Still Hungry?

Suck it up if you’re still hungry. After all, it’s a damn diet and it’s only for 7 days. If you can’t handle that, I’d lobby my insurance company to pay for a spine transplant.

What Else Do I Need to Know?

You don’t need to know anything else. That’s it. That’s why it’s called “Can’t Believe It’s a Diet” diet. Just order one Metabolic Drive Protein and one Superfood.

Do it now and it’ll be FedExed to you in just two or three days and you can start losing that squishiness right away.